someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
