I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
