It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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