I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize