we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
