There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
