Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
