Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
