I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
