I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
