she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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