I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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