so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
