Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
