It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize