I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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