I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
