I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
