Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
