hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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