I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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