At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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