The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
