At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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