hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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