I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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