I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
