my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize