don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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