The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
