i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
