So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
