the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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