why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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