Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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