Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
