Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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