You just made me feel so damn special
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
3 2 1 whiskey
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
