he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
