Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
