he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
