Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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