we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
