Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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