yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
