I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
