I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
