He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
