Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
