I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
