We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
