You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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