Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
