I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
