She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Randomize
