1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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