Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
