she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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