I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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