now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
