Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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