This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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