Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
