Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
