Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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