Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
