dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
