At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
