I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
